My Child Is Leaving for College: How Parents Can Let Go
My Child Is Leaving for College: Time to Let Go
By Joanne Koegl, LMFT
Every August, thousands of parents across the country experience a unique kind of heartache. It’s the bittersweet moment of sending a child off to college.
You may have seen this coming for years, but nothing quite prepares you for the quiet that settles in once they’re gone. Even the dog wanders the house looking for them.
I wrote the original version of this article that appeared in several magazines years ago after talking with friends who were facing these powerful pangs of separation. I was struck by how deeply this milestone impacts parents—not just emotionally, but in how we see ourselves and our role in the world. I notice that prior to the child leaving he/she often are behaving differently and parents get upset. This has been called “pooping the nest” or “soiling the nest”, it refers to a period where teenagers may exhibit increased conflict, negativity, or distance from their family as they transition to independence. This behavior is considered a normal part of the developmental process, though it can be challenging and confusing to a parent. It’s not you, it’s part of nature preparing both the child and parent letting go.
💔 Why This Hurts So Much
Some call it “empty nest syndrome,” but I think it’s more than that. It’s not just about the house being quiet—it’s about a shift in identity, routine, and purpose.
For years, your life has revolved around carpools, practices, late-night talks, and even the daily reminders to pick up their socks. Now you’re standing in their room, noticing how still it is.
You might feel:
🌱 Proud (You raised them well.)
💔 Sad (You miss their laughter, even their mess.)
😅 Anxious (Will they eat anything green this semester?)
😶 Untethered (Who am I now?)
These emotions don’t mean you’re failing at this transition—they mean you loved deeply.
🛠 Steps to Help You Through
1️⃣ Allow Yourself to Grieve
This is a loss, and it’s normal to feel waves of sadness. You may find yourself crying unexpectedly or lingering in their room. That’s okay.
Write about your feelings, talk to supportive friends, or even share them with your child in a gentle way. It’s healthy for them to know they’re missed—without making them feel guilty for growing up.
2️⃣ Remember Why You Taught Them Independence
When children are young, we teach them to tie their shoes, fix their sandwiches, and eventually how to drive and do their own laundry. All along, the goal has been to help them become capable, independent adults. This is what success looks like—even if it feels like your heart is breaking a little.
3️⃣ Stay Connected, But Give Space
Your role isn’t over—it’s evolving. You’re moving from manager to mentor, from chauffeur to cheerleader.
Set up regular calls or text check-ins.
Send care packages that say “I’m thinking of you.”
Encourage them to handle challenges on their own: “I know you’ll figure it out, and I’m here if you need me.”
4️⃣ Take Care of Yourself
Now is the time to rediscover parts of you that may have been on hold.
Reconnect with hobbies or passions.
Spend time with friends or your partner.
Exercise to help process emotions and lift your mood.
Explore new goals or dreams—this is your fresh chapter too.
5️⃣ Seek Support If Needed
If the sadness feels overwhelming or doesn’t ease with time, consider talking to a therapist. Processing this shift can help you move from loss to renewal.
🌱 This Is a New Beginning
You’ve spent years teaching your child how to stand on their own two feet. Now it’s your turn to step forward too—not as a “former parent,” but as a whole person with your own dreams and possibilities.
Your child will thrive. And so will you.