Is It Really Over? What to Do When You’re Unsure About Working On Your Marriage or Calling It Quits…
You might be lying awake at night wondering:
“Can we make this work? Or is it time to walk away?”
If you’re asking those questions, you’re already in one of the most emotionally complex and vulnerable places a couple can be. The pain is real, the hope might feel thin, and the idea of continuing like this may seem unbearable.
But here’s what I’ve seen again and again in over 20 years of working with couples:
Many relationships that feel over are actually at a crossroads—not a dead end.
The Space Between Staying and Leaving
When couples are stuck in cycles of arguing, resentment, emotional distance, or betrayal, it’s easy to think the only answer is to end it. But between “stay and suffer” and “leave and regret it,” there is a powerful middle space—a place to slow down, reflect, and choose with clarity. It’s filled with questions, doubt and often grief for what isn’t and hope it could be. It’s a place of contradiction, you may miss the closeness while feeling suffocated by tension. Often fantasizing the peace you may feel if you separate is easier to give into then to do the work it takes to try to work it out.
Often, people don’t give up because they don’t care.
They give up because they don’t know what else to do or what direction to take.
Why Couples Give Up Too Soon
They're emotionally exhausted and can’t imagine another way
They’ve tried to talk, but it always ends in a fight
They feel unseen, unheard, and hopeless
They fear being vulnerable again—only to be hurt
Fear of facing hard truths about oneself
Mismatch motivation, one partner wants to work on it and the other doesn’t
Practical Barriers such as time or money constraints to go to therapy
Shame or stigma around therapy; cultural beliefs
And yet, the pain of not trying enough can linger for years.
That’s why counseling during this decision-making stage can be so powerful and clarifying.
What Therapy Can Offer at This Turning Point
As a couple’s therapist, I don’t push you to stay—or to leave. I will not tell you what to do unless there is danger in the relationship and harm is feared. I offer a safe and neutral space to explore, with honesty and safety:
What’s really going on beneath the surface
Are both partners equally willing to do the work…this is key that both are invested.
What patterns are keeping you stuck
Is it disconnection or emotional shutdown?
What’s buried beneath the surface (resentment, anger, grief, unmet needs)
What each partner truly needs and feels, is it anger driving the “bus”
Whether healing and reconnection are possible—or not; can new tools to revive relationship help
How to make a decision that honors both of you, really hearing each other
Decision-making support: Clarify possible paths, recommitment, trial separation, discernment counseling, or collaborative uncoupling
Healing regardless of outcome
When Divorce Is the Right Answer
Sometimes, despite love or effort, the healthiest path forward is separation.
And that’s not a failure.
Ending a relationship with honesty, dignity, and care can be an act of strength—not defeat.
In fact, divorce can be a new beginning for individuals who have grown apart, or who need something different to thrive.
The goal of therapy is not to save the relationship at all costs—
It’s to help you both find clarity, integrity, and healing, whatever path you choose.
See my blog on Why Couples Choose Divorce.
Is It Time to Talk?
If you’re in that uncertain space—considering divorce but unsure—it might be time to talk with someone neutral, experienced, and compassionate.
Even one session can help bring relief, insight, and direction.
Joanne Koegl, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
https:/www.joannekoegllmft.com
818-395-8066 ✉️ joannekoegl@gmail.com
Pasadena in person & Virtual Sessions Available in all of California