You might be lying awake at night wondering:
“Can we make this work? Or is it time to walk away?”

If you’re asking those questions, you’re already in one of the most emotionally complex and vulnerable places a couple can be. The pain is real, the hope might feel thin, and the idea of continuing like this may seem unbearable.

But here’s what I’ve seen again and again in over 20 years of working with couples:
Many relationships that feel over are actually at a crossroads—not a dead end.

The Space Between Staying and Leaving

When couples are stuck in cycles of arguing, resentment, emotional distance, or betrayal, it’s easy to think the only answer is to end it. But between “stay and suffer” and “leave and regret it,” there is a powerful middle space—a place to slow down, reflect, and choose with clarity. It’s filled with questions, doubt and often grief for what isn’t and hope it could be. It’s a place of contradiction, you may miss the closeness while feeling suffocated by tension. Often fantasizing the peace you may feel if you separate is easier to give into then to do the work it takes to try to work it out.

Often, people don’t give up because they don’t care.
They give up because they don’t know what else to do or what direction to take.

 Why Couples Give Up Too Soon

• They're emotionally exhausted and can’t imagine another way

• They’ve tried to talk, but it always ends in a fight

• They feel unseen, unheard, and hopeless

• They fear being vulnerable again—only to be hurt

• Fear of facing hard truths about oneself

• Mismatch motivation, one partner wants to work on it and the other doesn’t

• Practical Barriers such as time or money constraints to go to therapy

• Shame or stigma around therapy; cultural beliefs

And yet, the pain of not trying enough can linger for years.

That’s why counseling during this decision-making stage can be so powerful and clarifying.

What Therapy Can Offer at This Turning Point

As a couple’s therapist, I don’t push you to stay—or to leave. I will not tell you what to do unless there is danger in the relationship and harm is feared. I offer a safe and neutral space to explore, with honesty and safety:

• What’s really going on beneath the surface

• Are both partners equally willing to do the work…this is key that both are invested.

• What patterns are keeping you stuck

• Is it disconnection or emotional shutdown?

• What’s buried beneath the surface (resentment, anger, grief, unmet needs)

• What each partner truly needs and feels, is it anger driving the “bus”

• Whether healing and reconnection are possible—or not; can new tools to revive relationship help

• How to make a decision that honors both of you, really hearing each other

• Decision-making support: Clarify possible paths, recommitment, trial separation, discernment counseling, or collaborative uncoupling

• Healing regardless of outcome

When Divorce Is the Right Answer

Sometimes, despite love or effort, the healthiest path forward is separation.
And that’s not a failure.

Ending a relationship with honesty, dignity, and care can be an act of strength—not defeat.
In fact, divorce can be a new beginning for individuals who have grown apart, or who need something different to thrive.

The goal of therapy is not to save the relationship at all costs—

It’s to help you both find clarity, integrity, and healing, whatever path you choose.

See my blog on Why Couples Choose Divorce.

Is It Time to Talk?

If you’re in that uncertain space—considering divorce but unsure—it might be time to talk with someone neutral, experienced, and compassionate.

Even one session can help bring relief, insight, and direction.

Joanne Koegl, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
https:/www.joannekoegllmft.com
818-395-8066 ✉️ joannekoegl@gmail.com
Pasadena in person & Virtual Sessions Available in all of California

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages?

You’re not alone. One of the most common challenges couples face is communication breakdown. Whether it’s constant arguments, the silent treatment, or feeling like your partner just doesn’t listen to you, poor communication can leave even the strongest relationships feeling strained.

The good news? Communication is a skill—and it’s never too late to learn how to reconnect.

💔 Why Communication Breaks Down in Relationships

Many couples believe that if they love each other, communication should come naturally. But the truth is, most of us were never taught how to talk—and more importantly, how to listen—in a way that builds connection.

Here are some common reasons couples struggle to communicate:

• Busy lives and emotional overload
  Work, kids, and endless responsibilities can push meaningful conversations aside. Over time, you might start to feel like roommates instead of partners.

• Fear of conflict
  To avoid arguments, some couples sweep issues under the rug. But unspoken resentments don’t go away—they grow.

• Repeating old patterns
  Childhood experiences often shape how we communicate. You may find yourself shutting down, getting defensive, or raising your voice without even realizing it.

• Distractions from technology
  Phones and screens can pull attention away from your partner, leaving little space for the intimacy that comes from real conversation.

🗝️ How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

The first step is recognizing that communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about understanding and being understood. Here are three ways to start:

✅ Listen to understand, not to respond
Instead of planning your next point, focus on truly hearing what your partner is saying. Reflect back their words: “It sounds like you’re feeling…” This small shift can calm tension and make your partner feel seen.

✅ Pick the right time and place
Hard conversations need a calm setting. Avoid starting important discussions when one of you is stressed, hungry, or distracted.

✅ Use “I” statements, not “you” statements
Saying “I feel hurt when…” invites connection. Saying “You never…” creates defensiveness.

✅ Practice daily check-ins
Set aside 10 minutes a day to ask, “How are you feeling today?” This keeps the emotional door open and prevents issues from piling up.

❤️ When to Get Support

If communication feels like a constant struggle, you’re not failing—it simply means you might need new tools.

As a marriage and family therapist, I help couples:
✨ Identify the root causes of their communication breakdowns
✨ Learn healthy ways to express needs and resolve conflict
✨ Rebuild trust and emotional intimacy

You don’t have to keep having the same arguments—or avoiding them altogether. Change is possible, and your relationship deserves it.

📞 Ready to Reconnect?

If you’re tired of feeling unheard and want to bring back closeness, let’s work together. Schedule a couples therapy session today and take the first step toward better communication—and a stronger relationship.

Navigating the Storm: Understanding Marriage Conflicts and the Path to Therapy

 Marriage and couples relationships is a journey filled with peaks and valleys, and conflicts are an inevitable part of this intricate tapestry of human connection. While disagreements and misunderstandings are normal in any relationship, unresolved conflicts can erode the foundation of marriage.  This is where therapy steps in as a guiding light, offering couples a safe space to navigate through their challenges and emerge stronger together. I have been working with couples for over 20 years and the following are common reasons couples seek therapy:

Common Reasons Couples Seek Therapy:

1. Communication Breakdown: Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. However, ineffective communication or a lack thereof can create much discord. Couples often find themselves trapped in patterns of miscommunication, leading to frustration, resentment, and a sense of disconnect. Therapy provides a platform for couples to learn effective communication skills, express their needs and feelings openly, and truly listen to each other.

2. Intimacy Issues: Intimacy encompasses physical, emotional, and spiritual connection between partners. Many couples struggle with maintaining intimacy amidst the demands of daily life, stress, and other challenges. Whether it's a decline in sexual desire, emotional distance, or unresolved conflicts impacting intimacy, therapy offers a supportive environment to explore vulnerabilities, deepen emotional bonds, and reignite passion.

3. Parenting Differences: Parenting is a collaborative endeavor that requires compromise, patience, and effective co-parenting strategies. However, differences in parenting styles, disciplinary approaches, and expectations can spark conflicts between partners. This has been a topic I am seeing much more lately in my practice. Therapy provides a neutral ground for couples to explore their parenting differences, their cultural parenting, how they were themselves were parented, develop a unified parenting plan, (which is of upmost importance) and strengthen their co-parenting partnership for the well-being of their children. I believe the reason I am seeing this as a critical issue with couples is because Millennial parents tend to be more open minded then any of the generations before and mom and dad view things so differently. The arguments have led to break ups if they do not figure a united middle ground.

4.     Financial Strain: Money matters can be a significant source of conflict in marriage.    Disagreements over spending habits, financial goals, and budgeting can strain even the strongest bonds. Financial stress can amplify existing conflicts and lead to feelings of insecurity and resentment. Through therapy, couples can work together to develop a shared understanding of their financial values, create a budgeting plan, and cultivate financial transparency and trust.

 5. Rediscovering each other: we are hearing a lot, see my blog on the grey hair divorce. Often, couples who have spent years raising children—especially when one partner stayed at home—find themselves looking at each other with fresh but uncertain eyes once the kids are grown.Without the constant focus on parenting, they realize they’ve lost touch with each other as intimate partners. The roles of “mom” or “dad” have dominated their connection, and now, without that shared daily purpose, they feel more like co-managers than lovers.I frequently see couples who genuinely like each other—but no longer feel in love. Sometimes, through therapy, they come to see that they’re best suited as friends. Other times, they rediscover each other in a new, more present way—rekindling intimacy not based on who they were years ago, but on who they are now.

This can be the beginning of an exciting new chapter—one built with intention, honesty, and renewed connection.

6.      Trust Issues: Trust forms the foundation of a healthy marriage. However, betrayals, infidelity, or breaches of trust can fracture the foundation of trust between partners. Rebuilding trust requires vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to address underlying issues. Therapy offers a structured framework for couples to navigate the complex process. For rebuilding trust repair relational wounds, and fostering forgiveness and reconciliation. Often trust issues are centered on previous betrayal or a history of parents that dealt with infidelity

Conclusion:

Marriage is a journey of growth, resilience, and transformation. Conflicts are not a sign of failure but an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Seeking therapy is a courageous step towards healing, growth, and renewal in marriage. By addressing underlying issues, learning new skills, and fostering open communication and empathy, couples can emerge from therapy with a renewed sense of commitment, understanding, and love for each other. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflicts but about navigating them together with compassion, respect, and mutual support.

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Before embarking on couple’s therapy, it's often beneficial for individuals to undergo individual therapy. This is because unresolved childhood issues, personal trauma, past relationships, and even cultural differences can significantly impact how we communicate and relate to our partners.

Individual therapy provides a safe space to explore these personal histories and address any emotional wounds. By working through these issues independently, individuals can gain better self-awareness, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms. This sets the foundation for healthier communication and interaction within a romantic relationship.

Key elements to a successful marriage/relationship include:

1.    Effective Communication: Open, honest, and respectful communication is crucial. Couples should feel comfortable discussing their needs, concerns, and emotions.

2.    Emotional Intimacy: Sharing vulnerabilities and emotions builds a deep connection between partners.

3.    Trust and Honesty: Trust forms the bedrock of a strong partnership. Being honest and dependable creates a sense of security.

4.    Respect for Individuality: Each person should maintain their own identity and interests within the relationship.

5.    Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are normal, but the ability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner is essential.

Shared Values and Goals: Couples should align on core values and long-term goals to ensure they're moving in the same direction